Jokes

[TimKieferRacing]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets
up, staggers to the table,leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker
in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw
her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your
grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still
says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says...................


"Grandpa,........ Go home, you're drunk

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it.

If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town has been successful in discipling children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boys mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide eyed and his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boys face and bellowed, "Where is God?"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time."

"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

[Jim Parks]

A guy with a frog in his throat goes to the doctor.
The doctor says, "Whatsamattarwithya"?
The Frog says "It started with a bump on my a$s!

[HOTRODDAVE]

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing
to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today
and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair
and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep
after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you
don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me
anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are
moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good
woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch sports so much to try to drown
out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when
you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was
"You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say
anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite
meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I
stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you
had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed
that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty
dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After
all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I
discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job
and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were
gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the
filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote,
you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem

[TimKieferRacing]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls’ parents’ house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!". The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

[Sluss]

Sow your oats on saturday nights, and pray for crop failure on Sunday's

For women sex is like a snow storm. They never know how many inches they will get or how long it will last.

Two wrongs don't make a right, they make you even.

[Dirtracer40]

Here is David Letterman's top 10 reasons that there are no Black NASCAR drivers:

(Bet his life will be miserable after the NAACP sees this!)

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.
# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale JR.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
# 3 - No Cadillac's approved for competition.
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR..

#1 - They can't wear their helmets sideways

[Goodyear_Eagle]

Mark Martin was arrested today for breaking and entering. Seems he broke into the Local Cheverolet dealership. When asked why he would do such a thing he replied, "I was just trying to see what the front end of a Monte Carlo looks like!" (Please dont hate me for sayng that)

[Dirtracer40]

I bet after the Daytona 500 Mark was wishing he had been driving a Chevy from day 1.

[HOTRODDAVE]

In A crowed city at a busy bus stop, A beautiful young woman
who was waiting for the a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she
became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her
leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second
time attempted the step, and once again, much to her surprise,
she couldn't raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip
a little more, and once again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a Large Texan who was standing behind her,
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step
of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
" How dare you touch my body ! I don't even know who you are !"

The Texan smiled and drawled, " well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends. "

[Goodyear_Eagle]

Heheh, good one.

[lazzlo]

a preist, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar, the bartender says, WHAT IS THIS, A JOKE!!!

[Sluss]

A boy comes home from school one day and sits down next to his father. He says "Dad, I am having trouble understanding the difference between reality and theory and I am supposed to write a paper on the subject." His father replies, "No problem son!" Here's what I want you to do. Go ask your sister if she would sleep with any man for 1 million dollars. The boy returns shortly and says his sister said "Hell Yes!. OK son, now go in the kitchen and ask you mom the same question. The boy returns shortly and told his father that she said she would. The father says sit down boy I'm going to explain it to you. In THEORY were sitting on two million dollars. In REALITY were living with a couple of whores. Thanks Dad.

[jim weese]

Ain't That the truth.

Theory is, we hot lap in a couple of weeks
Reality is, I won't be ready

[DCR]

Originally posted by jim weese
Ain't That the truth.

Theory is, we hot lap in a couple of weeks
Reality is, I won't be ready

I'm sure you're not the only one in that situation Jim.

[Sluss]

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day.The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer! Have a nice day!