Jokes

[Stockcar19]

Found some more little laughs

[Bruce Rhoades]

Senior Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Chicago ,
are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the
way they pass a drugstore ... Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the
owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol,
antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[Bruce Rhoades]

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

[HOTRODDAVE]

At a wedding party recently someone yelled,"All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was Nearly crushed to death.

[Bruce Rhoades]

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity Tom, said God.”This is very special, not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.

On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a huge 3-story mansion with Orange and Blue sidewalks and drive ways, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Broncos logo flag waving, a swimming pool in shape of a horse, a Broncos logo in every window, and a Tim Tebow jersey on the front door.

Tom looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 3 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."

God said "So what's your point Tom?"

"Well, why does Tim Tebow get a better house than me?"


God chuckled, and said "Tom, that's not Tim's house, it's mine."

[Bruce Rhoades]

Day at the Track

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his
wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head
with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he asked. "That
was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with
the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied. "Two
weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the
name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh
honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there
was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching
a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in
the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What
was that for?" "Your horse called."

[Stockcar19]

How many of you can relate to this?

[Stockcar19]

COWBOY BUD

>>>A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
>>>
>>>The driver, a young man in a Brioni ® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan ® sunglasses and YSL® tie leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd will you give me a calf?"
>>>
>>>"Sure, why not?"
>>>
>>>The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
>>
>>Within seconds he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and after a few minutes receives a response.
>>
>>Finally he prints out a full-color 150-page report on his hi-tech miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
>>
>>"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves" says Bud.
>>
>>He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
>>Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
>>The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
>>"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
>>"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?”
>>"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
>>"Now give me back my dog."
>>AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.

[HOTRODDAVE]

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:



1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.



2. Forgive your enemy, but remember his/her name.



3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.



4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.



5. Trying to debate with Obama voters is like trying to pick up a turd by it’s clean end.

[Stockcar19]

The Liquor Story

JOHNNY WALKER Was hunting with
MARTINI & ROSSI when he met
HIRAM WALKER coming down
...COBBA CREEK with
QUEEN ANNE who lived on the
CUTTY SARK up in
HUDSON'S BAY near the
GREEN RIVER He took her, smelling like
FOUR ROSES over to the
TOWN TAVERN where he removed her
GOLD LABEL and tickled her with
THREE FEATHERS until she was
BLACK & WHITE and dying for his
CANADIAN CLUB with the
RED CAP He put his
STANDFAST in her
JORDAN VALLEY so they rented
OLD OVERHOLT'S room at the
MARYLAND CLUB and it was
PERFECTION when he stuck his
WHITE HORSE into her
VAT '69 times and pumped his
TEACHER'S HIGHLAND CREAM until her
OLD DRUM was stretched as wide as
MOUNT VERNON and being
SCOTCH he didn't even give her a
SILVER DOLLAR

[HOTRODDAVE]

A New Cowboy Texas Priest

A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish in Boston and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No sh**, what happened next?"

[Stockcar19]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM COLORADO WHEN. . .

This will also apply if you've only lived there for a few years...

1. Your idea of traffic Jam is ten cars trying to pass a tractor on the highway.
...
2. You idea of vacation is going to Denver for the weekend.

3. You measure distance in hours.

4. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

5. You switch from "Heat" to A/C in one day.

6. You use a down comforter in the summer cause you have the a/c on at 55 degrees.

7. You’re able to drive 65 miles per hour through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without even flinching.

8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at Social Events.

9. You install security lights on your house and garage but leave all doors unlocked.

10. You think the major food groups are beef, potatoes and Coors Beer.

11. You carry jumper cables in the car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

12. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

13. Driving is better in the winter cause the pot holes are filled with snow.

14. You think that sexy lingerie is tube sox and flannel pjs.

15. You know all 4 seasons "almost winter, winter, still winter and construction.

16. It takes three hours to go to the store and go shopping for one item even when your in a rush cause you have to stop and talk to everyone.

17. You actually understand these jokes and send them to your friends in Colorado.

[Stockcar19]

Okay, I ran across this video and I will tell I want to fly this airline. The video is kinda long but I think it is worth it. I hope you enjoy it. I sure did.
Welcome to Middle Earth.

You have to do this old way as I could not get to work with "insert link" button.

An Unexpected Briefing #airnzhobbit
www.youtube.com
Air New Zealand partnered with WETA Workshop on a

[Stockcar19]

Comes with all the Bells and Whisles

[Stockcar19]

Is this what they mean when they say Rattling your bones?